Paris Hilton is no longer desperately seeking impregnation. Ho. Ly. Shit! *pops open champagne* WHOOPEEEEE! Hollyscoop reports:

“You know right now I’m just focusing on my business. A lot of traveling around the world. There’s no time for a baby right now.
Paris added, “I would love to one day, but for right now it wouldn’t be right to have a kid because I don’t have the time. My schedule is so crazy, I am going to London next month for a couple of weeks to do my BFF show in London, so I have a lot of work cut out for me.”

You know who you don’t hear saying he wants a baby on the ASAP and we can thank for this turn of events? Benji Madden. Of course, he’s probably too busy scrubbing his testicles with a Brillo pad, but still.

The Sarah Palin News Vortex has bagged another celebrity. And this time it’s a biggun’. Oprah Winfrey was ensnared in controversy this morning when the Drudge Report posted that the Big O, a vocal supporter of Barack Obama, is refusing to have Governor Palin on her show. Oprah fired off a statement to TMZ this afternoon denying the claims:

“The item in today’s Drudge Report is categorically untrue. There has been absolutely no discussion about having Sarah Palin on my show. At the beginning of this Presidential campaign when I decided that I was going to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a platform for any of the candidates. I agree that Sarah Palin would be a fantastic interview, and I would love to have her on after the campaign is over.”

Behind closed doors, Oprah then demanded the head of Matt Drudge on a silver platter before the sun sets. And maybe some onion rings.

Hilary Duff just seems to be getting hotter and hotter with age, here she is in her short shorts and heels showing off her sweet legs. If I had to choose how to die I think I’d like to be strangled to death by Hilary Duff’s legs or maybe smothered to death in Jessica Simpson’s tits. Now we’re talking.

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Hilary Duff’s Boob Watch Continues…

Photos: SplashNewsOnline

Here’s Lindsay Lohan walking the streets of soho the other day with some of her annoying hipster friends looking like a terrible back to school ad for Wal Mart. She still looks pretty good though, when I play the lesbian streetwalker movies in my head, this is exactly how I imagine the opening scene. Hot!

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Photos: Bauer-Griffin

It’s not very often we get some Tara Reid pictures in which she actually looks half decent, I said half decent because she still looks like an 80 year old woman instead of her usual drunken mess. She managed to make her cleavage look pretty damn good though, but we all know the nasty frankentits that lie underneath that top.

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Photos: Wenn, SplashNewsOnline

I’m posting these Anna Kournikova pictures because well, there are Anna Kournikova pictures available to post. And that’s not too often. So what if she’s dressed in her sloppy workout gear. Does that mean you wouldn’t want to eat borsht off her sweet Russian ass. I rest my case.

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Photos: Flynet

Lynne Spears tell-all book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is remarkably jam-packed with action for an evangelical book about parenting. Lynne reveals Britney started knocking back booze at 13 and, with her mom’s help, tricked Justin Timberlake into thinking she was a virgin when really Britney nailed a football player at 14. The best part is: Justin fell for it! Oh, man, these Disney kids are dumb. Although, that could just be the drink. NY Daily News has the details:

Alcohol!:
The pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.

Drugs!
By age 16, Britney’s wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims.

SEX!
She admits she allowed her then 16-year-old daughter to sleep with Timberlake, her Mickey Mouse Club co-star, and went along with the hoax that Britney was a virgin. Lynne Spears reveals Timberlake was misled and that Britney lost her virginity to a Kentwood, La., high school football player.

I’m starting to think the title of the book should’ve been Through the Storm - of Shit that I Created Because I Have the Parenting Skills of a Lawnmower. I mean, Christ, what was the point of this thing? Other than to surprise us all that Britney hasn’t stripped naked and hijacked a school bus yet. That was the point? Well then, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Lindsay Lohan has turned down a $700,000 offer to do an eight-page spread for Playboy. She doesn’t want to do the whole nude thing again because, clearly, she’s a terrorist. Someone had to say it. Page Six reports:

“If there’s nudity, then the answer’s no . . . She’s not going down the [New York] magazine road again,” Lohan’s rep told Playboy’s creative consultant, Hal Lifson, referring to Lindsay’s naked Marilyn Monroe tribute last winter. Lifson said he hoped to have Lohan do a tribute to ’60s sex kitten Ann-Margret and her film “Kitten With a Whip.”

I guess Lindsay is content with her freckle-laded Marilyn Monroe shoot and doesn’t want to look, I dunno, awesome and airbrushed. Why do you hate erections so much, Lindsay Lohan?! Oh, right, you’re a “lesbian” now. Ha ha ha! But, seriously, why do you hate them?

Christina Aguilera has been confirmed as a performer for the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday. This will be her first major performance since giving birth to baby Max Liron, according to OK! Magazine:

“I’m very excited,” said Christina about the news, which was announced at a press conference at Paramount Studios in L.A. Refering to her 8-month-old son Max Liron, Xtina said, “This will be his first time watching me perform on television, but only for a little while because he’s not really allowed to watch television yet. I’ll make an exception for the VMAs.”

Britney Spears is opening the VMAs and, word has it, MTV tried to keep Christina Aguilera’s appearance a secret from her to prevent reigniting their long-dead feud. Then again, it wouldn’t be much of a fight considering Christina hasn’t been deemed legally retarded by the state of California, and Britney ate a bowl of wax fruit yesterday. True story.

I can’t even count how many readers have e-mailed me this picture of, what looks like, Governor Sarah Palin in a bikini brandishing a rifle. Allow me to set the record straight because, I shit you not, a ton of folks think this is real. (Smartest country ever!) It’s photoshopped, people. How do I know? Simple: No one is that sexy. Also, the real Sarah Palin would’ve shot the guy behind her for smoking his cigarette like a homosexual. “BANG BANG! Not on my watch, Frenchie!”