Young Hollywood Celebrities

Paris Hilton is no longer desperately seeking impregnation. Ho. Ly. Shit! *pops open champagne* WHOOPEEEEE! Hollyscoop reports:

“You know right now I’m just focusing on my business. A lot of traveling around the world. There’s no time for a baby right now.
Paris added, “I would love to one day, but for right now it wouldn’t be right to have a kid because I don’t have the time. My schedule is so crazy, I am going to London next month for a couple of weeks to do my BFF show in London, so I have a lot of work cut out for me.”

You know who you don’t hear saying he wants a baby on the ASAP and we can thank for this turn of events? Benji Madden. Of course, he’s probably too busy scrubbing his testicles with a Brillo pad, but still.

The Sarah Palin News Vortex has bagged another celebrity. And this time it’s a biggun’. Oprah Winfrey was ensnared in controversy this morning when the Drudge Report posted that the Big O, a vocal supporter of Barack Obama, is refusing to have Governor Palin on her show. Oprah fired off a statement to TMZ this afternoon denying the claims:

“The item in today’s Drudge Report is categorically untrue. There has been absolutely no discussion about having Sarah Palin on my show. At the beginning of this Presidential campaign when I decided that I was going to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a platform for any of the candidates. I agree that Sarah Palin would be a fantastic interview, and I would love to have her on after the campaign is over.”

Behind closed doors, Oprah then demanded the head of Matt Drudge on a silver platter before the sun sets. And maybe some onion rings.

Lynne Spears tell-all book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is remarkably jam-packed with action for an evangelical book about parenting. Lynne reveals Britney started knocking back booze at 13 and, with her mom’s help, tricked Justin Timberlake into thinking she was a virgin when really Britney nailed a football player at 14. The best part is: Justin fell for it! Oh, man, these Disney kids are dumb. Although, that could just be the drink. NY Daily News has the details:

Alcohol!:
The pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.

Drugs!
By age 16, Britney’s wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims.

SEX!
She admits she allowed her then 16-year-old daughter to sleep with Timberlake, her Mickey Mouse Club co-star, and went along with the hoax that Britney was a virgin. Lynne Spears reveals Timberlake was misled and that Britney lost her virginity to a Kentwood, La., high school football player.

I’m starting to think the title of the book should’ve been Through the Storm - of Shit that I Created Because I Have the Parenting Skills of a Lawnmower. I mean, Christ, what was the point of this thing? Other than to surprise us all that Britney hasn’t stripped naked and hijacked a school bus yet. That was the point? Well then, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Lindsay Lohan has turned down a $700,000 offer to do an eight-page spread for Playboy. She doesn’t want to do the whole nude thing again because, clearly, she’s a terrorist. Someone had to say it. Page Six reports:

“If there’s nudity, then the answer’s no . . . She’s not going down the [New York] magazine road again,” Lohan’s rep told Playboy’s creative consultant, Hal Lifson, referring to Lindsay’s naked Marilyn Monroe tribute last winter. Lifson said he hoped to have Lohan do a tribute to ’60s sex kitten Ann-Margret and her film “Kitten With a Whip.”

I guess Lindsay is content with her freckle-laded Marilyn Monroe shoot and doesn’t want to look, I dunno, awesome and airbrushed. Why do you hate erections so much, Lindsay Lohan?! Oh, right, you’re a “lesbian” now. Ha ha ha! But, seriously, why do you hate them?

Christina Aguilera has been confirmed as a performer for the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday. This will be her first major performance since giving birth to baby Max Liron, according to OK! Magazine:

“I’m very excited,” said Christina about the news, which was announced at a press conference at Paramount Studios in L.A. Refering to her 8-month-old son Max Liron, Xtina said, “This will be his first time watching me perform on television, but only for a little while because he’s not really allowed to watch television yet. I’ll make an exception for the VMAs.”

Britney Spears is opening the VMAs and, word has it, MTV tried to keep Christina Aguilera’s appearance a secret from her to prevent reigniting their long-dead feud. Then again, it wouldn’t be much of a fight considering Christina hasn’t been deemed legally retarded by the state of California, and Britney ate a bowl of wax fruit yesterday. True story.

I can’t even count how many readers have e-mailed me this picture of, what looks like, Governor Sarah Palin in a bikini brandishing a rifle. Allow me to set the record straight because, I shit you not, a ton of folks think this is real. (Smartest country ever!) It’s photoshopped, people. How do I know? Simple: No one is that sexy. Also, the real Sarah Palin would’ve shot the guy behind her for smoking his cigarette like a homosexual. “BANG BANG! Not on my watch, Frenchie!”

Somehow these bikini pics of model Caroline D’Amore from a few days ago slipped completely under my radar. Of course, one has to ask themselves: Who the hell is Caroline D’Amore? After some deep soul-searching I realized she’s a chick in a bikini. Now I feel spiritually enlightened enough to spend the rest of the day playing GTA in my boxers. I like to believe it’s what Jesus would do if he a.) existed and b.) drank a bottle of cooking wine because he’s too lazy to go to the store. Go forth, my children, and tell others what you’ve learned here today.

NOTE: Sweet Moses!

It turns out Lynne Spears did not send Bristol Palin $60 pink burpcloths on behalf of Jamie Lynn. I don’t see why Lynne bothered denying the report because even a cynical bastard like myself thought it was a nice gesture. Until I remembered I have a penis then went around punching everyone within eyesight in the face. TOUGH GUY! E! News reports:

“I just got off the phone with Lynne. I can tell you that she hasn’t sent her any gifts, but that she does support Sarah and, of course, can empathize with their situation,” Curt Handling, Spears’ publicist at the Thomas Nelson publishing company, tells E! News.

It’s a damn shame. No fancy burpcloths for America’s favorite politically-polarizing pregnant teen. I guess Bristol Palin will have to wipe her baby’s spit the old fashioned way: With moose antlers or the hull of an oil tanker.

Okay, maybe David Duchovny cheated on Tea Leoni after all. Apparently, The Duchov has a history of seducing unsuspecting extras. I bet he tells them there’s a government conspiracy in his pants. Now that’s smooth and something I could never pull off. Even if the NSA bugged my testicles - which they did. NY Daily News reports:

But The National Enquirer reports that Duchovny went into rehab because Leoni “finally caught him [cheating].”
He said Tea gave him an ultimatum: “Get treatment or our marriage is over,” a source told the tab, which is riding high after getting former presidential candidate John Edwards to admit his tomcattin’.
“At first, Duchovny tried to lie his way out of trouble, but eventually was overwhelmed with guilt and confessed,” The Enquirer contends.
US Weekly concurs that Duchovny, 48, “has a history of indiscretions,” according to “multiple sources.” The mag claims he put the moves on an extra on his Showtime hit, “Californication.” “They ended up making out,” alleges a source. “She later heard this wasn’t the first time he’d taken special interest in an extra.”

I’m glad they finally dropped the whole porn addiction angle. Seriously, how can you can be addicted to something you need to survive? That’s like saying “Hey, everybody, I’m addicted to oxygen.” Pfft. Celebrities. What a bunch of weirdos.

These are shots of Brody Jenner’s mom actress Linda Thompson at the beach. Since we’ve been having a dialog about abortion these past couple of days I thought I’d show what a woman who should’ve had one looks like: HOT! I don’t know what kind of message that sends, but I’m pretty sure it involves Brody Jenner getting attacked by a wire hanger. (Hint: It does.)