Young Hollywood Celebrities

Paris Hilton busted up her chin over the weekend as she was leaving a music store in Prague. She was fleeing the paparazzi when she tripped over a step and landed face first into the ground. Being the heroic knight that he is, Paris’ boyfriend Benji Madden failed to help Paris to her feet and instead stepped over her. Although after realizing she was actually hurt, he did eventually turn back around to help her. Which I guess is actually pretty impressive, because if I saw Paris Hilton lying face first on the floor I’m pretty sure my first instinct would be to kick her. Well that, or bring both my hands to my face in shock that she wasn’t naked and covered in used condoms. Haha, just kidding. Paris Hilton? Condoms? It’s like I’m writing a fantasy novel.

A video of Benji pleading with the paparazzi to leave Paris alone after the jump.

Dearest Jan-Jan,

Before we begin, I’d like to commend you on your efforts entertaining our troops during the Second World War. At the ripe young age of 40, you gave our boys something to live for as they fought to stop Hitler from finding Jesus’ cup in that tomb with the knight who was like super old. Anyway, those glory days are long gone. When you reach the triple digits, it’s time to retire the bikini. How do I put this delicately? Your ass looks like E.T.’s stomach - but more Play-Doh-y. So Play-Doh-y, in fact, that I’m about ready to bust out my Spaghetti Factory. I like to make the stars!

Godspeed,

The Superficial Writer

Dina Lohan started filming her new reality show Living Lohan and would have us believe her daily schedule consists of interrupting dance classes in the middle of Harlem. Riight. She, of course, does this while towing around her 14-year-old daughter Ali and her grandmother - allegedly. Poor woman probably was taken from a nursing home screaming “The orange devil’s got me!” Which isn’t far off considering Dina’s days really involve eating infants then beating up homeless guys for change.

Thanks to Ashley who would provide a safe and fire-crotch-free home for Grandma Lohan. In exchange for snickerdoodles.

I can understand how Benji Madden managed to score Paris Hilton. I’m not going to get into specifics but, it’s because she has herpes. So how in the hell did he score a woman like Sophie Monk? She’s looking pretty damn hot while shopping in LA over the weekend. Maybe Sophie was on a year long drinking binge while she was with Benji, I dunno. But if she ever wants to fall off the wagon, holla at your boy. I’ll bring the homemade booze. What’s your preference, baby? Pine-Sol Colada or Lemon Fresh Pledge-arita?

Here are some Miranda Kerr lingerie pictures. I’m not sure what they’re for, but I doubt it’s Victoria’s Secret considering one of the outfits has the Playboy logo on it. Unfortunately, I doubt she’ll be appearing in any Playboy magazines in the near future, but the girl is cute as button and if she appeared nude now what else would there be to look forward to? So let’s not rush things!

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You have to give Mariah Carey some credit for being consistent. Here she is in another hooker-inspired outfit from the ’90s showing off her cleavage. It’s hard to make fun of Mariah when she’s the only celebrity that doesn’t experiment or mix up her style. Besides, I like hookers and these days, it’s finally fashionable to be one.

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Photos: Bauer-Griffin

Krystal Forscutt’s Zoo Magazine photoshoot must have been such a success that they decided to release some more shots for their summer special. I’d like to think I contributed to its popularity, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we’re getting more of Krystal Forscutt’s hotness. And that’s never a bad thing.

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Surprise! Heath Ledger might have fathered a love child. His uncle broke the news to The Daily Telegraph which will undoubtedly make the estate bickering even more of a fucking fiasco:

Ledger was a 17-year-old schoolboy when he had an affair with an older woman who is thought to have only discovered she was pregnant after their relationship ended. The woman was living with another man at the time of the alleged affair.
Yesterday, Ledger’s uncle, Hadyn Ledger said: “There is a very real possibility that Heath was the father.”

Man, I wish I had a love child. A new one, that is. I’m getting kind of bored with the 203* I currently have. Also none of them refuse to engage me in armed combat. I even taped daggers to their bottles but, still, no dice. Wait. Can a three-year-old shoot a crossbow? Nah, the flaming arrow would throw off his aim. Or would it…

*Give or take 203.

Kim Kardashian and her rag-tag bunch of family members stopped by Larry King Live on Friday. After getting peppered by Barbara Walters about her sex tape, Kim was ready for another awkward discussion about her nudity with the surprisingly alive. This time Larry brought up the topic of her shoot for Playboy. Kim said a bunch of words about something or rather, I dunno. I was too busy staring at the video of her getting ready for the shoot. Then things kind of went black for a while. I blame the fall into the next cubicle when I tried to mount my monitor. I should invest in some handlebars. I mean, I can’t keep doing this 10-30 times a day - before lunch.

Thanks to Lindsey who isn’t afraid to say Larry’s suspenders are sexy. Hell yeah!

Kevin Federline still has feelings for his vagina-flashing ex-wife Britney Spears. Could there be a reunion in the works? And, God help us all, another offspring down the line? Showbiz Spy reports:

“I still love Britney. She’s the mother of my children,” Federline, 30, said.
And Jamie Spears — Britney’s dad — is even reportedly encouraging the pair to reunite.

Ack! Britney’s dad is trying to make this happen?! WTGDF?! Seriously, if these two get back together you know she’s popping out another kid then going off the deep end. And I was really starting to like how things are now. You know, where I hardly ever see her face anymore. Do you know how hard it is to constantly type Frappucino? I had to hire midgets to move my fingers. True story.