Young Hollywood Celebrities

These are a couple days old but it’s Cindy Crawford so, you know, who cares? She still looks amazing for a 41-year-old. I don’t want to start any rumors, but I hear she drinks the blood of newborns to stay youthful. And did I just make that up? Maybe. The only thing we know for sure is that I’m still the reigning champion of the National Sexiest Person Alive Competition. See, because I’m so sexy.

Angelina Jolie took her four children to a Children’s Petting Zoo in Central Park yesterday, and Shiloh made a rare appearance. Although being the daughter of Angelina Jolie it’s not really any surprise she has lips like that. What is surprising, though, is that I read somewhere she can store up to twenty acorns in those cheeks. That’s fact-tastic!

NOTE: When I say I read something somewhere, just assume I mean I had a delirious dream where everybody was human-sized chipmunks. But really, isn’t that basically the same thing?

One more shot of Angelina with Shiloh after the jump.

I was rummaging through my files today when I came across these pictures of Jennifer Ellison in a bikini. Now I don’t recall ever seeing these pictures, nor do I remember saving them to my computer. It’s like I woke up this morning and the computer gods gave me a gift. That, or I must’ve been high when I found them. Either way, that has got to be one of the greatest views I’ve ever seen in my life.

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Anna Kournikova can do no wrong. Not many girls can pull off wearing a potato sack and still look this good. That Enrique Iglesias and his allegedly small penis are damn lucky for managing to hold onto Anna for as long as they have. I can’t believe he actually lets her out of the house. I know if I was dating her she’d be chained to my mother’s basement floor. She’s just way too hot to be allowed out in public.

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Celebrity Pictures

Cameron Diaz celebrated her 35th birthday yesterday on the set of her new movie What Happens in Vegas. Wait, she’s 35? It kind of makes me wonder if all those young dudes she’s been with are really dating her, or helping her cross the street. I’m not saying Cameron Diaz is old, I’m just saying she’s not getting any younger. Or, let’s be honest, more attractive. But, hey, at least she’s finding work. Wait, what’s that? Ashton Kutcher is in it? Jesus! That’s terrible! I mean, uh, Happy Birthday?

Fun Fact: When not chewing food or speaking, Cameron Diaz’s mouth is occasionally rented out to host large parties and weddings.

Two new Britney Spears songs have popped up online and they’re every bit as bad as you’d expect. According to The Sun, she opens her new song Cold As Fire with the lyrics:

“I’m just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/ Make him come in my mouth/ Make him my new baby”

Other sources are saying the lyrics are:

“I’m just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/ Make him call me mama/ Make him my new baby”

You can listen for yourself here, but either way it’s bad. Like really really bad. Like so bad I thought it was a fake. I think they squeezed Britney until they got her voice as high up as it is, and then pulled some random people off the subway and made them backup singers. And Britney’s next single Gimme More (listen here) opens with the lyrics:

“It’s Britney, bitch”

Ooh, sassy. I don’t know about you, but this Britney character sounds like she’s got a lot of attitude. Man, I bet she also smokes and wears sunglasses indoors. She’s so cool.

NOTE: Just to be complete, here’s her third leaked song. Although it’s the same one I posted a couple weeks ago and still just as bad.

Here’s Ashton Kutcher wearing Capri pants and a shirt with a shiny hummingbird on it. Because, you know, Capri pants. And a shiny hummingbird. All further evidence to support my theory that Ashton Kutcher is the toughest man on the planet. I’m just waiting for the paparazzi shots of him buying tampons with Demi Moore. You know Demi doesn’t need them because of a little thing called menopause. And if you don’t know what menopause is, just ask somebody old like Demi. Your grandmother, for example. Don’t worry, eventually she’ll stop sobbing long enough to explain it to you.

Larry Rudolph, the former manager of Britney Spears, was subpoenaed Thursday and must now testify in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline. Larry had told Ryan Seacrest earlier this week that he was trying to avoid being served for fear of harming Britney’s case. People reports:

Rudolph “was served about 30 minutes ago,” said Erin Tietsort, the assistant manager at the Sunset Tan in West Los Angeles, on Thursday afternoon. “He’s employed here. He’s part-owner.”

Tietsort described the process server as a 5′8″ brunette in black slacks and a buttoned-up shirt.

“We asked her who she was but she just said she had a meeting with [Rudolph]. After he walked in he said, ‘Can I help you?’ and she just handed the papers and left. He had no idea. He then said [to himself], ‘Oh, okay. Yeah. They’ve been looking for me. This is for Britney Spears-Kevin Federline.’ I was like, ‘Really?’ And he just stared out the window. You could tell he wasn’t too happy about it,” said Tietsort.

There is only one plausible explanation for these turn of events: Larry Rudolph is absolutely, 100% retarded. Who publicly says they have damaging information about a high-profile celebrity custody battle, then hides out in a establishment they are part owner of? Larry Rudolph. That’s who. In case you’re not fully convinced of the guy’s stupidity, here’s something to chew on: Larry Rudolph thought it was a good idea for Britney Spears to hang out with Paris Hilton. If his goal was to blind the world, mission accomplished.

I don’t know who either Lauren Conrad or Audrina Patridge are since I never watched the Hills but I think I should start considering all the girls seem to spend most of their time in bikinis. Between Heidi Montag and her amazing funbags and now these two with their sweet asses, no wonder the show is so popular.

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Photos: Bauer-Griffin